October 17, 2009 - The last 24 hours have been very special. Last night I had my first night out since the hernia surgery almost a full month ago. My wife and son and I all went out to dinner and then to see the Suns in a preseason game against the 76ers. Suns won 115-113, which was close as the Suns reserves could not hold the lead the starters had given them in the third quarter. We left when it was a Suns blowout.
Dinner was great in that I did not worry about what I was eating. I saw something on the menu (a Willie cheese steak sandwich) and ordered it. My wife who has been very cautious of what she has been feeding me for the last month did a good job of holding her tongue. As of yesterday, I have lost 20.5 pounds since my hernia surgery. My goal for yesterday was to gain weight for the day and not continue to lose it. Mission accomplished. I put three pounds back on this morning - will have to see if it stays with me tomorrow.
This morning I woke up after my wife left for her Saturday morning long run (eleven miles). I got up and headed out to the canals for a morning walk. I took a chance that the running club would be heading south today and guessed right. I ran into my wife on the canal. I had to walk right in front of her, or she would have just kept running passed me. My energy levels for today have been great. This is the best I have felt in a month. On my walk I was listening to a song by Natasha Bedingfeld called "Happy." The lyrics summed up my morning walk, culminating in the line that, "I have some many beautiful reasons to be happy".
I realize that I am happy, not for the diagnosis, but for the opportunity to grow in my own courage. To accept love from family and friends during this time. I take my life with a little more gratitude, and I celebrate the mundane things that make my life "normal." When you first hear the words that you have cancer, or you could have cancer, you go through many thoughts. You have many fears, but I can say I have come to terms with it. I refuse to live my life consumed with fear. My wife gave me a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt, "You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face." I feel much stronger today than I have in the last couple of weeks. Maybe I have looked fear in the face, and I am feeling stronger for it.
Earlier this week I had a power port put into my chest that will help protect my veins during chemotherapy. It is a triangular piece of plastic with a circular membrane that needles can be inserted into through my skin. It has a tail that is put into my jugular vein. It is a little over a half inch thick, so I feel the pressure of it in my chest if I push on it. Once the inflammation goes down I am told I will not notice it much. Right now it hurts if I rub it, bump it, or receive a hug. So if I seem a little gun shy as you come in for a hug, you know why. I also had a bone marrow biopsy done at the same time, which has left a silver dollar sized bruise on the back of my right hip. I was totally out for both of these procedures for which I am extremely grateful.
It has been a little over a week since my first chemo session, and I have to say I have learned a bit. I still have my hair, which may or may not be good. Since I was told I would lose it, I have not wanted to spend the money to get it cut, just to have it fall out. This is the frugal part of me I admit; but if the bank tells you they are coming to take away your truck, the last thing you want to do is go out and get it washed and waxed. I know I will probably experience a lot of the side effects that have been promised. I have seen that these will not necessarily last long, but will come and go with the treatment. I will have highs and lows for the week of the treatment, but if I just take each day as it comes I will get through it. As I get though it. . . I will get stronger.
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